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Why Your Fantasy Football Team Name Sucks

Why Your Fantasy Football Team Name Sucks

It’s fantasy football season and all over the country people are trying to guess if the corpse of David Johnson can be reanimated in Houston and stunned to discover Frank Gore is still in the NFL. He’s on the Jets. Get it, Frank!

It also means we’re all scrambling to come up with fantasy team names. And while we’re spending way too much energy crafting one, every single one of them is terrible. They’re lame, oddly sexual or show no effort at all.

While there’s pretty much no such thing as a GOOD fantasy team name (my friend Jim used to call his team the name of another person in our league which might be the only great idea in existence), there’s certainly ways to have an awful one. These are some of those ways.

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YOUR TEAM NAME IS A PUN. PUNS ARE BAD.

Let’s start with a hot take…I hate puns! They’re word math for people that aren’t funny to pretend they are funny. It’s like comedy fantasy camp and the joke equivalent of the guy who thinks arguing that a hot dog is a sandwich is a valid personality.

Sure, lots of people like puns – and I probably hate them because trying to think of a pun makes my brain cry. Lots of people also liked The Rise of Skywalker and puka shell necklaces. Pimento cheese spread is a thing. People don’t know what the hell they’re talking about and puns are the pimento cheese spread of trying to be clever.

“What about Run CMC or Baby Got Dak?” you ask. These are the best possible puns (that I found online) and they bring no joy to my life. But at least you’re trying. Because the only thing worse than a pun is when…

YOUR PUN ISN’T EVEN A GOOD PUN

If you’re gonna go for the Sudoku of comedy, at least put some effort into it.

You’re better than “Country Roads, Bring Mahomes” or “InstaJimmyGraham.” Maybe you aren’t better than that at all, but that’s why you shouldn’t be doing a pun in the first place. I get that Teddy Bridgewater was put on this Earth for you to call your team “BridgeOverTroubledWaters” but maybe referencing a Simon & Garfunkel song in 2020 is embarrassing?

Then there’s the move of riding with the same pun team name for multiple Presidential administrations. “Ladies and Edelman” might have been fun six years ago (it wasn’t), but it’s time to update to a receiver with less than twenty concussions. And I know you couldn’t be prouder of “I’ve Got A Chubb,” but I can guarantee there’s at least 1,200 dudes named Bryce that are just as proud. Also, is that actually a pun? I might be a little confused on how puns work.

Anyway, you’re already doing a pun. Which means you’ve given up on life. At least don’t make it a bad one.

YOU HAVE NO PLAN FOR THE FUTURE

It’s draft day. You’ve already got your team name picked out. You draft Tom Brady six rounds earlier than you needed to just so “The Brady Bunch” is an accurate name. Your logo is Tommy kissing his son on the lips. You’ve never felt such joy.

Then Brady’s arm falls off week three. And your name is simply a daily reminder of the hubris in resting all your happiness on the shoulders of a 42-year-old that thinks potatoes are the devil. Just leave your favorite player’s names out of this and nobody will ever get hurt. Except maybe Brady if he tries to play till his middle fifties.

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YOU’VE FORGOTTEN THIS IS A FOOTBALL THING

I’m in a fantasy baseball league, which is only slightly less exciting than actual baseball. One of the team’s in that league is named “Chums of Chance.” This is TECHNICALLY not awful. Fantasy sports are basically luck and it’s alliteration, not a pun. BUT, it says nothing about baseball. So it sucks.

This isn’t the time to remind people you like Lord of the Rings (Frodo’s Friends or One Ring to Rule Them All) or Fight Club is your favorite movie (Tyler’s Durdens). Also, Fight Club probably doesn’t have to be your favorite movie. It’s great, but there’s a lot of movies. Unlike everything else in life, fantasy team names are a time to stick to sports.

YOU DID NOTHING

“If every idea for a team name sucks, I guess I just won’t pick a name at all!” – A real loser.

Every year there’s a “Nick’s Team” or “Team Number Six.” They’re always the worst team in the league and it’s not even close. They forget that Kyler Murray’s on the bye or leave an injured Devante Parker in their lineup for six weeks.

And we’re grateful they’re so garbage…but is this how we want to go through life? Never putting ourselves out there, accepting failure with an “I don’t really care anyway” attitude? Do you want to be the guy that shows up to a dinner party with a bag of pretzels, or do you want to put way too much effort into a casserole, have it taste not great then resent everybody else for not appreciating it more? The choice is yours.

You miss a hundred percent of the shots you don’t take, and you can’t have a non-embarrassing fantasy team name if you don’t try. Unless, of course, you’re the best at fantasy and kick everybody’s ass with “New Team 11.” Then that’s pretty fun. Go with that.

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