With the conclusion of the XFL draft we drift towards the new year and the third go around for the XFL. I’m here to sit back in my garage, pop open a black cherry pop and give you the definitive list of these XFL teams ranked from bottom to top. These rankings are based on three factors, obviously the players because they’re the ones playing the damn game. Second will be the swag/vibe of each team feels in my mouth. And a secret third thing. Without further introduction let’s get into the 2023 XFL power rankings
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XFL Power Rankings
Number 8: Orlando Guardians
With a roster that I would call good enough to get the job done, the Orlando Guardians leave a little to be desired at the key positions of quarterback and wide receiver. Between Quinten Dormady and Deondre Francois, the QB spot for the Guardians has a potential to be big and explosive. But I don’t foresee a level of consistency that you’d want in a league like the XFL.
Bob Ford at OC makes me worry he’ll be too safe and old school when it comes to play calling. The receiver room, like a lot of this team to be honest, has me wanting just a little bit more. The defense should be fairly solid. However, I do not expect to see much from this Guardians team upfront.
The logo and color scheme bring this team down even lower. I’m not a big fan of these highlighter colors and think they should have changed the logo to more fit Florida. The secret third thing bringing the Guardians down is that Orlando is the first place I ever cried so I have bad memories of there. This combination places the Orlando Guardians at the bottom of the XFL power rankings.
Number 7: San Antonio Brahmas
You’ll find some similarities between the Guardians and the Brahmas. Just like the Orlando team I’m not super fond of the Brahmas’ quarterback room. Juwan Pass has some nice potential and I think Reid Sinnett could be fun. I just don’t see someone who stands out though. The running back room in San Antonio is a bright spot and is one of the main factors bringing them over the Guardians. By snagging studs like Jaquez Patrick and Kalen Ballage, the Brahmas could have one of the more dominant run games in the league.
That being said the receiver position lacks what the running back room has, and that’s pizzaz. No receiver on this team wows me. I hope they can prove me wrong when the season starts but for now, this team isn’t shaping up to have an explosive offense. Hines Ward gives me hope that the Brahmas could have a nice offensive scheme and that all falls on the offensive line. Especially on the center Luke Juriga. So if this offensive line is a top 3 in the league, they’ll be fine. Defensively the Brahmas should be in a decent spot but for a first-time head coach with no coordinator experience I worry this team could crumble if they start the season off slow.
The logo and color scheme is awesome and those jerseys are slick and sexy so on the marketing front the Brahmas are just fine. I’m in a wait and see for San Antonio when it comes to the product on the field though. The secret third thing for the San Antonio Brahmas is that the logo looks like a spiky happy place and that gives me both fear and arousal…and I don’t know what to do about that. They’re seventh on the XFL power rankings.
Number 6: DC Defenders
Since the Defenders have ended up with quarterback D’Eriq King they’ve become boosted in my book. That’s just the kind of player he can be and the ceiling he brings to DC is high as hell. Having a few weapons who can take advantage of his skills in Jazz Fergeson who boasts a nice 6-5, 223-pound frame helps. They’re sixth on my XFL power rankings.
The Defenders could be scary on offense, and I think their offensive line could be decent enough to make things interesting. They have a strong workhorse at the running back position in Abram Smith. And grabbing Pooka Williams, who was a stud in Kansas, makes this team have a nice one two punch. The Defenders will have the capability to take the tops off of teams with what King has shown and the defense should be good enough to get the job done for DC.
Reggie Barlow will have an interesting time reeling in King and getting him to settle into the XFL. I think the Defenders season hinges on that outcome. The color scheme as always is sick, but those uniforms just don’t get my blood flowing like the ones did in 2020. The secret third thing for the DC Defenders is the second they begin playing football they become the best run football franchise in the city, which is a fun fact.
Number 5: Vegas Vipers
The Vipers have the consistency secured when it comes to the quarterback position. Perez and McLendon have over half a decade of spring football experience between the two of them. Perez will be paired with some skilled receivers like Martavius Bryant who’s a big, bodied guy.
The running back room has potential to make some waves, but I just don’t see much coming from them. They have a roster chalk full of spring football experience on the offensive side of the ball. We could have a scenario where the Vipers have a high-powered offense with a weaker defense (possibly a great team for overs). They are fifth on my XFL power rankings.
The sickest uniforms in the game have a go getter first time head coach in Rod Woodson. But as with the Brahmas, the lack of not only head coaching experience, but coordinator experience worries me. It makes me think that this team could take some time to get everything under their feet. Also bringing down the Vipers is the fact that, as I’m writing this article, they still don’t have a stadium picked out in Las Vegas. Which is concerning to say the least. The secret third thing for the Vipers is that they’ll probably be the only team where once the game is over, I can immediately go play roulette and blackjack, which is sick.
Number 4: Houston Roughnecks
I’m putting my faith in experience here. Wade Phillips has more experience than any other coach in this league. Hopefully, that will let him get the most out of what could be a stud quarterback in Cole McDonald. McDonald’s time in Hawaii was a mix of highlights and extreme gambles. He has the tools for it to work, but he’s never seen a throw he didn’t think he could make and that gets him into trouble sometimes.
The Roughnecks did a smart thing in pairing McDonald back up with Cedric Byrd where in 2019 he had over 1000 yards receiving with 10 touchdowns. This Roughnecks team will be high flying and fast. Hopefully the defense can keep up with what the offense is going to want to do. I trust the experience of Ward and the ceiling that someone like Cole McDonald can bring to the offense. That lands them at fourth on the XFL power rankings.
The color scheme of the Roughnecks is nice, but man that uniform is WEAK compared to 2020. I like that they’re experimenting but why mess with a classic? The secret third thing for the Houston Roughnecks is that the NFL sucks and hates cool things and that’s why they had to change everything.
Number 3: Arlington Renegades
The Renegades are going to do one thing very well, and that’s run the damn ball. This offensive line is dangerous and Dexter Williams is a dang bowling ball that’s just made to run for four to 11 yards at a time. They have a legit three-headed attack when it comes to running.
And you could argue four-headed if USFL stud Kyle Sloter gets the nod at quarterback. Sloter has shown the ability to use his feet not only to run the ball excellently but to also extend plays. Similar to the likes of Cole McDonald I don’t think Kyle Sloter has seen a pass that he is not 100% sure he can make. If Bob Stoops can’t reign him in then his gumption could get Arlington in trouble in some close situations. But if his ceiling can be reached he could wind up being one of the most dangerous quarterbacks in any spring league. Sal Canella in the tight end position also could just be a cheat code. That bumps them to third in the XFL power rankings.
The Renegades defense will also be looking to stop the run. If they can make other teams one-dimensional they’re going to be dangerous. The logo still is weak but man it looks clean on those uniforms. And I have to put faith in not just Bob Stoops but also in the Hayes brothers who return the most experience from the 2020 XFL season. The secret third thing for the Renegades is that by grabbing Marquette King as a free agent they immediately increase the rapping ability of their locker room, and therefore the swagger.
Number 2: The St. Louis Battlehawks
If we’re talking offensive line, we have to mention the Battlehawks. The one thing teams in these leagues need to succeed both fast and far is good play in the trenches. The Battlehawks have size and they have experience and this line. Combine that with the quarterback play of I assume AJ McCarron, who’s the most NFL experienced QB in this league. This team could start out with the highest floor of all the teams in 2023.
This strong offensive line play will be important for St. Louis because unlike some other teams I’m not sold on this running back room. But we’ve seen from every level of football that good offensive line play fixes anything when it comes to the run game. Similar to the offensive line the Battlehawks defensive line will be a force for other teams to handle. Expect to see these boys blowing up quarterbacks and causing fumbles. That could be a huge difference maker in the XFL and puts them second in the XFL power rankings.
Anthony Becht will have this team at a steady level to play and I expect the Battlehawks to have the highest floor of any team in the XFL. It just depends how high that ceiling ends up being as to where this team will finish at the end of the year. Battlehawks didn’t change anything with their logo and uniform combos and I for one love that look. The secret third thing for the Battlehawks is that they are the team in closest proximity to the garage so if I do end up picking a team to root for. It might just be in St Louis.
Number 1: Seattle Sea Dragons
I will never, and I mean EVER fade June Jones when it comes to these spring leagues. I know he’s not the head coach but he’s the one in charge of this offense and that’s enough for strike the fear of God into me.
Ben DiNucci is probably going to get the nod at quarterback, and I think he has the tools to be a force in the XFL. The Sea Dragons went heavy at wide receiver when it came to the draft. That plays right into the run and shoot’s strengths. This team will be looking to put up a lot of points and do it quickly. Kevin Shaa has the speed to become a number one guy in a June Jones offense. I’m excited to see what the Dragons do with him, and they start at the top of the XFL power rankings.
Head coach Jim Haslett is doing a smart thing by bringing Jones in so that he won’t have to worry about the offense at all. Therefore, he can tune this defense into potentially the most dangerous in the league. The Sea Dragons add an extra word to their name from 2020 and I for one am not a fan. However, I’ve grown to actually like the little cartoony dragon they have as a logo and their uniforms look kind of not totally dumb. The secret third thing about the Seattle Sea Dragons is that they were the first team to score a touchdown in the XFL in 2020. (NEAT FACT)
That does it folks, that’s the official XFL power rankings for the 2023 season, courtesy of the garage and SGPN. If you need any more XFL action to wet your whistle, keep tuning in to SGPN. We’re going to have articles flying before and during the season.