The NFL season is days away, and it’s pretty much the best thing that’s happened to any of us since March (not sure why that is). This time of year is filled with fantasy football drafts, thinking the Browns won’t suck and lots and lots of bets. Super Bowl winners, first coaches fired and MVP. What is a bet, but a guess at what you think or hope will happen? Every bet is a narrative, and it says a lot about the person that makes it. What does your bet say about you? Well, I’m gonna tell you right now. Be patient.
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Ravens Most Regular Season Wins: +375
What It Says: You think putting hot sauce on eggs is a bold move.
This is the Plain Cheerios of bets. The “I’ll be over here crocheting while everybody else jumps out this airplane” of risk. Where’s the boldness? The chance of great victory or humiliation? This is the equivalent of guessing that water will be wet, then puffing your chest out when it happens. Sure, it’s a bit of a gamble, but do you really want to stand there in pleated khakis, peeling pistachios and bragging to your friends that you thought the team with the best record last year would have the best record again? It just don’t impress me much.
Of course, some risks aren’t worth taking. Such as…
Derek Carr MVP: +6000
What It Says: You hate yourself as much as you hate money.
This is the “I wonder if there’s a million dollars hidden in that pile of dog shit?” of sports bets. The payoff is phenomenal – I’m not positive how odds work but I’m pretty sure you’d only have to bet five dollars to become Jeff Bezos. Also, it’s never, ever gonna happen. Derek Carr seems like one of the more decent people to have ever rocked a soul patch, and I don’t think we have to worry about him spending late nights at those “Cirque Du Soleil, but hornier” Vegas shows – but he loves checkdowns like I love letting phone calls go to voicemail. Your money can be wasted elsewhere, like betting Sam Darnold at +10,000. He’s almost definitely not gonna get mono again.
Lamar Jackson UNDER 26.5 Passing Touchdowns: -120
What It Says: You watch Ferris Bueller and root for the principal.
Look, I’m not gonna say that making this bet means you suck, but also WHY WOULD YOU MAKE THIS BET? At the very least you hate fun. Your favorite movie last year was Ford Vs. Ferrari (which was totally fine!), your favorite cookies are Pecan Sandies and you have a great respect for how the Spurs play basketball. Are you also the kind of person that has strong opinions on “playing the game the right way” and has said “Now Kirk Cousins, that’s a REAL quarterback” multiple times? That simply isn’t for me to say.
OR, maybe you just think Lamar’s running game in the red zone will limit his passing touchdowns. I guess that’s fair too.
Packers to WIN NFC North: +180
What It Says: You let spite drive your every moment.
You’re all in on the Aaron Rodgers “I’m not mad, you’re mad” middle finger tour. There’s only two things about this season we can all agree on: The Jaguars have already given up and Aaron Rodgers is gonna be pretty annoyed the whole time. Rodgers needs spite to function even more than he needs oxygen, and this is his Super Bowl of being pissed people stopped thinking he could win a Super Bowl. What could be more fun than making this bet, relishing in Rodgers’ passive aggressive press conferences then spending the rest of the day having fake fights in your hate with a cashier that was a little rude to you eight years ago? Except maybe writing a think piece about how the Packers drafting you when they had Brett Favre isn’t nearly the same as them drafting Jordan Love just now. That sounds pretty cool too.
Clyde Edwards-Helaire ROY: +700
What It Says: You say things you’ve heard on podcasts as if they’re your own thoughts.
“Have you heard that Clyde Edwards-Helaire is gonna get a ton of touches? With Andy Reid and that offense…I think he’s found his new Brian Westbrook!” – Every sports writer in America. And you just now.
Honestly, this is kind of a fun bet! Edwards-Helaire is fantastic, that offense is incredible and Joe Burrow plays for the Bengals which means he can never know any joy in his life. Plus life is just better when a dude named Clyde is good at sports. It’s also a bet you will bring up to your friends at least eight times every Sunday. In between comments on how good the Chiefs are at pulling their guards and referencing the time you’ve been spending watching team’s All-22 film. Just make sure to credit the Athletic writer you’re ripping these thoughts off of while you do it.
Philip Rivers OVER 4099.5 Passing Yards: -120
What It Says: This is gonna be the year you bounce back from the divorce.
Everybody loves second chances. And nobody loves second chances more than white men nearing 40. Whether it’s a failed marriage, career or having zero remaining knee cartilage and throwing picks at a near Winston level, dudes gotta try to pull their lives back together. It’s what they do. And we want Philip to have a good year! Then, maybe we’ll have the confidence to finally reconnect with our estranged children or get our old punk band back together. Put those leather pants back on and give it a second shot! If Philip can do it, so can we.
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