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Colby’s Corner: Playoffs Edition

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Colby Dant breaks down the NBA & NHL Playoffs

Written By: Colby Dant (@TheColbyD)

It’s that time of year again. Where us sports fans salivate over the NHL & NBA Playoffs. The NHL playoffs for one have lived up to the hype. Not one Canadian team made the playoffs this year so you knew this year was going to be a sweet year.

Plus we could use that little bit of ammunition since somehow Donald Trump is still in the running to become president and every Canadian I know will bring that up to us Americans at the first chance they get.

NHL Playoffs

Yeah it’s safe to say this NHL season has been full of surprises. The past two defending champions the Chicago Blackhawks and LA Kings got upset in the first round? Talk about surprising and who knew Nashville had a professional hockey team? Rednecks and hockey? Talk about a Trump demographic.

I wonder if they have a “shoot off your own gun night” at the stadium or “win free ammo raffles” How often are the participants in the arena’s kiss cam related? This NHL season nonetheless has been pretty great so far and I can honestly say I have no idea who will win the cup after the Kings and Blackhawks got eliminated.

If I had to bet I’d take the Pittsburgh Penguins but don’t hold me to that. How come there aren’t as many Penguins fans around this country than Steeler fans. I realize that city pretty much sucks and people are eager to move away but something isn’t adding up here. Every sports bar in LA is a fucking Steelers bar.

NBA Playoffs

Now comes the NBA. The most watered down professional sports product in America (they need to hit delete on 4 franchises). The league thats so fair it does a (rigged) draft lottery. Look I’ve known the NBA has been rigged since Ewing went to the Knicks or Jordan pushed off Bryon Russell I don’t even need to read the Tim Donaghy book.

Still somehow year after year I tuned in to the playoffs with a decent amount of excitement to watch the games. This season though the 2015-2016 season has without a doubt been the worst season I have ever witnessed in my 33 years of life. Yes the Warriors broke the win record but also I should note that the Philadelphia 76ers also broke the loss record and even though I love to see Philadelphia losing in any sport this is what I mean by a terrible season.

Hell I even think philly’s own Ben Franklin was a bit overrated and don’t even get me started on Mike Schmidt. The NBA is front loaded with maybe 4 teams that could win it all and only one in the East. Just about every first round game was a blowout and if it wasn’t a blowout it was still terrible basketball to watch (Hornets Heat, Celtics Hawks Series I’m talking to you). Now on to the 2nd round where the east should just put the Cavs in the finals already. No I don’t want to watch the Heat Raptors series or the Atlanta Hawks play basketball.

Canadian Basketball

We may in fact have it bad with Trump in America but Canada not only has no hockey teams in the playoffs they have the worlds biggest douche bag cheerleader in Drake. I have several good friends from Canada but when I watch a Toronto Raptors home game I’m left cheering for an Indiana Pacer or Miami Heat team that I’ve despised since MacGyver was still on air.

There’s something really annoying about their whole town watching their games at that wanna be times square or whatever they call it and they’re all dressed in white like a little Choir (biting the Heat fans) honoring a team that hasn’t done shit in their lifetime, thinking they really have a chance this year.

Then add in the annoyance of Drake and you have a team thats really easy to dislike. Even the name Toronto Raptors is awful. I mean it’s got to be without a doubt the worst sports team name in all the leagues. The Toronto Raptors! “Hey let’s name our team after a dinosaur.”

Look, Jurassic Park made a trillion dollars and the new hockey team in Anaheim is being named after that Emilio Estevez movie so lets call our team the Raptors like the movie.” Even the Utah Jazz is a better team name even though Utah has never had Jazz music and most the counties in Utah won’t allow you to listen to Jazz music or anything coming from a black man’s mouth unless it’s a Karl Malone Dodge Ram commercial or Spike Lee at Sundance.

Saving Grace: Spurs vs Thunder

The only decent series is the Spurs and Thunder. I mean, I hope. The first game of the series was worse than watching a ESPN scrabble tournament and the 2nd game had well, the normal amount of terrible calls at the end of an NBA playoff game.

All the other series we can skip for only about 8 percent of these playoffs are worth watching. Warriors Spurs could be good and whoever wins that will play the Cavs. Regardless if you want some good sleep around this year please be sure to tune into the NBA playoffs. I need another drink.

Colby Dant is a stand up comedian and The Sports Gambling Podcast’s official college football and basketball expert. Unfortunately he’s also a huge Jets fan.

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