Week 2 is here, and apparently so is my blood pressure. Between the waiver wire, Thursday Night Football, and Producer Ryan updating me on how many dildos have made it onto NFL fields (three and counting, folks), I’m starting to wonder if the NFL season should come with hazard pay.
Waiver Wire Mayhem
First up: waiver wire. Everyone’s whining about how weak it is, but if you were smart (or lucky), you already scooped up Harold Fanning, the rookie tight end who made Joe Flacco look like he was back in 2012. If you lost George Kittle, he’s your guy. If you didn’t lose George Kittle, congratulations — you still probably need therapy, because owning tight ends in fantasy football is a form of self-harm.
Meanwhile, people are already trying to convince me Kyle Pitts is “a value.” Please. That man is fantasy catfishing us harder than a Tinder profile pic from 2009.
Thursday Night Football: Commanders vs. Packers
Cap & Yap time. Packers look strong, Commanders look… confusing, but I love the plus-3.5. And don’t even get me started on Terry McLaurin’s receiving yards line — I took the under last week and I’m riding it until the wheels fall off. Also, if Zach Ertz drops another pass, I might personally fly to Arizona and staple the ball to his hands.
Producer Ryan’s Dumbest Dumbness
And then there’s Producer Ryan, who has invented a new segment called Unnecessary Dumbness — because apparently the NFL wasn’t dumb enough on its own. Highlights include: a man crawling across an American flag like it was a Slip ’N Slide, JJ McCarthy activating his “war paint alter ego” like a live-action Dungeons & Dragons character, and the NFL dildo count officially becoming a stat that matters more than rushing yards.
Circa Million Picks
We wrapped it up locking in some early Circa Million leans — Cowboys, Patriots, and Broncos — which probably means you should fade all three. But hey, at least we’re having fun while torching our bankroll.
Moral of Week 2: the waiver wire is trash, betting lines are traps, and yes, there are more dildos on NFL fields than Daniel Jones touchdowns.
