The USFL is coming back and thanks to your pal XFL Jim you don’t have to sit through a painful bit of the Herd to learn all the news that dropped today. The Garage’s main take away is the city and team name announcements. If there’s one thing a new spring league has to nail it’s the names, even more so if you’re bringing back the USFL who had some all-timers (Houston Gamblers for life).
Even if the league is all taking place in Birmingham this year it’s still cool to see some places get representation. Without further Ado here are my and the garages definitive rankings of the USFL 2022 team names
8. Birmingham Stallions
What the fuck does a horse have to do with Alabama? If you’re going to go back and try to get the names of the OG USFL then I’d rather they target a different city like Memphis with a sick ass name like the Showboats. All this name does is make me remember the AAF team the Iron and how badass and cool that was. Not a good start
7. New Orleans Breakers
This one seems in bad taste to me with all the levees breaking and whatnot, but when without all that. It seems uninspired. What the hell is a breaker anyway? Are these football players electricians? Are we coming at it from the Landry Jones angle of these guys have been working construction this whole time now they’re playing ball? I don’t get it and that makes me confused, and when I’m confused I get angry. Football shouldn’t make me angry
6. Pittsburgh Maulers
Now I gotta be honest with you, the bottom 2 were the only ones I found real issues with. All of the following cities and names I freaking love, but as it is with children, some you just love more than others. Here are where the Maulers sit and what a fucking boss name that is. Maulers even fits in with the local college team of the Panthers. It screams grit in your face like when I find metal pellets in my oatmeal. They got a badass logo worthy of Pittsburgh and kill it on vibes alone. The only downside is with a name like this in a city like that you’re almost pigeonholed into playing a certain type of football which could hinder them as a team.
5. Philadelphia Stars
RT if you support the Stars! pic.twitter.com/fXcv0bqDRP
— Philadelphia Stars (@USFLStars) November 22, 2021
The Stars are a team that you just have to put in there. Technically they’re the reigning champs and it wouldn’t feel right without their inclusion. That being said, it is kind of a bland name with nothing to it. Screams “crappy high school” to me. But the logo is cool and they have a lot to live up to with the air of championships around. If they keep the retro style logo that makes me think of a nice midsized town grocery store then honestly, I could see them repeating as champs. This logo is so fuckin money in my mind and if we’re just going by that it’s a top 3. Sadly the name just takes away from the power of the logo and makes me think of a YMCA rec team.
4. New Jersey Generals
Listen I get it, They are one of the premier brands that not only were a mainstay in the USFL, but also The Spring League. Similar to the Stars you can’t have the USFL without the Generals. Now there is one other team I’d rather have here (The Federals man what an opportunity), but the Generals have been in the mainstay of The Spring League which to many has kept them in the limelight. They’ve been a strong team and when I think of the Generals I think of winners. I think consistency, and for a league coming back like the USFL is that’s exactly what they need from their premier teams and locations.
3. Tampa Bay Bandits
RT if you are a Bandit! pic.twitter.com/mSdzWnGumT
— Tampa Bay Bandits (@USFLBandits) November 22, 2021
Now come on, we’re getting to the obvious ones now folks. The Bandits? That’s rad as fuck. Rootin tootin shootin their way into my heart. The bandits make me think of robbing a train in the old west, works anywhere and it’s badass. More mascots need to have guns in my opinion, because what else are we going to do in the offseason than rank which mascots would win in a fight? Best of all, the Bandits may make people confused with the Buccaneers and that’s a nice perk too. The logo is badass and the dude even comes with a whip which is sexy as hell. Not too much to hate about this logo other than maybe it’d be cool to go in a pirate direction, but even then, that’s overplayed.
2. Houston Gamblers
Don’t hate me quite yet, the final two really came down to the wire and the Gamblers just BARELY lost out. That’s not saying the Gamblers are a bad name/logo. It’s one of the best names in all of the sports, even more fitting now with sports betting becoming more mainstream. Who isn’t going to want to gamble on the Gamblers for fucks sake? I can tell you this, the Gamblers will probably be a favorite coming into the league. The logo too is all time. Fitting the state outline of Texas into the letter G is just perfect. If I’m being honest with you I just put them #2 because of pure bias.
1. Michigan Panthers
RT if you are proud to be a Panther! pic.twitter.com/MUYo1812Qy
— Michigan Panthers (@USFLPanthers) November 22, 2021
This one is just so fuckin cool. The OG Panthers. The team that made me fall in love with the USFL. The best logo in sports, and a badass location. I like teams that get to claim a whole ass state and the Panthers get the entire mitten of Michigan to themselves and don’t get me started on the logo. 3 colors that should never work together combine to make the best damn logo in all of the sports. The Panthers will be the team of the garage, and I can tell you, if my will be done, they’ll be the champs. When I see the Michigan Panthers logo I see hope, I see football, and I see a #garagecertified team, league, and sport.
I cried tears of joy writing this out, I sat through Collin fucking Cowherd to see this announcement and you know what? It was worth it. The hype levels for the USFL are approaching dangerous levels for me folks. When hype gets this high and this real, I am not responsible for my actions and may do some very… VERY dangerous things. That being said the USFL and its teams look extremely hopeful. I can’t wait for coach/player announcements. Let’s ride with this league, because as one spring league succeeds we all rise.